Decade from hell

It is New Years Day 2020. As I write this I am pondering the last decade. It just occurred to me that we have rolled into a new decade,  not just a New Year.   I am not sure why that did not occur to me until just now, but it did.   To be honest the worst 10 years of my life. Not that it was all bad, no it was not. I tend to be a positive glass is half full person, so there were many wonderful things. However when it came to my 2 boys, it was a decade from hell with them. It was a  decade of sadness, grief, worry, embarrassment, fear and over the top anxiety.  They started to go off the rails around 2009 and then it was like a train wreck moving through the decade. It started with normal teenage stuff. Sneaking out of the house after dark, skipping classes and pot. With my youngest it escalated to disappearing for days at times ending up with precarious people.  It moved to getting suspended from school, get arrested for drugs, stealing from us,  getting kicked out of school, the police at the door, verbal abuse, threats, and violence.  There was a lot of involvement with girls as well, girls with low self esteem 4 of which I know he impregnated and some he abused. That is just he youngest. The oldest as well got kicked out, started the disappearing act, stole money from friends and us, police involvement and also ended up with precarious people, got beat up, broke into cars, sold his precious guitar for drugs (sigh) ...I could go on and on.  There were endless counselling sessions, psychiatric evaluations, drug counselling to no avail. I will need separate blog posts to describe many of these events as thinking back it was fucking unbelievable. We kicked them both out on different occasions and oh yes brought them back to clean them up only to repeat the cycle. It became like a bad movie that was on repeat with the same ending, usually a dark cloud of angry dust at the end. How I wish I could change the ending.  I felt trapped and could not get off this roller coaster. I kept trying to save them, it was not working.

The strain on my marriage was immense. It is amazing we are still together.
 I think the reason this has come rushing to me as my youngest contacted me yesterday, wanting help again. He got kicked out of his housing apparently for have sexually explicit video chats and then there was all the "history" and the computer. His female room mate was concerned he might be a pedophile and kicked him out...That is the story. You never know with him.  He is a master at manipulation, exaggeration and fantasy.  That being said...what to do? He said he is lost, but then further down in the message he said he really, really needs a phone. He needs employers to be able to get ahold of him....Hmmm....Is he lost or does he need money. All of this was done with an audio clip which of course means I can hear his voice. I am sure he knows this has a bigger impact than just text.  This sent me partly in a tailspin. Should I bring him home and clean him up? I hesitate due to the past history of this that has typically ended in a vitriol of verbal abuse and sometimes violence. Should I just meet up with him? Eyes on him helps. I can tell is he is high and read into the conversation. Do I get him the damn phone, just to make it go away? Is that a cop out?  Done that before, they usually end up pawned for money for drugs or lost.

So As I think of this the past 10 years of this comes racing in. I can not go back to enabling, it will kill me and ruin my marriage.  I am in a better place though today than I was during that time. That took some self awareness, counselling and 8 months ago quitting drinking. I used to be a moderate drinker but the last 10 years my consumption escalated and I was drowning my pain in alcohol. Stopping that has given me better clarity, focus, and the anxiety is at bay. I can deal with things with a clear head. I know mental health is fragile, you have to keep working on it,  and I could easily fall into the trap. I am determined not to get trapped.  So as I ring in a New Year the question is, how much to do...or do nothing.  So today I will put that on the shelf. My lovely dogs are out running around in the snow chasing squirrels. That makes me smile from ear to ear.  The coffee is good, I am going to visit my Dad at his annal New Years Day Open House, and I am grateful for my life. xo