It was around 1990, I was in my late 20's and felt it was time for us to start a family. This to me was the natural progression after being happily married for 5 years. Is this not what we are all supposed to do? Get married, get career established and have kids. I think society expects this and I of course being the Type A, driven person figured this was next on our "list". We at this point were in house # 2 a really modern, what my Dad and family called "yuppy" house, in a suburban type neighbourhood south of Ottawa. Lots of black and white, lots of leather, expensive furniture bought at trendy furniture stores. We were rather living the dream. I had a great career as did my husband, we were making ( and spending) alot of money. Next step kids....of course!!
I had had an IUD and had that removed and we proceeded to have a normal sex life with no birth control. I figured just let it happen even though we rather liked the double income no kids life to a point. I can say even though I wanted kids, I was personally very caught up in a career that had my travelling, lots of company events, lots of socializing and making more money than many of my peers. I had the designer wardrobe, the expensive gym membership, active social lie, the nice car. It was distorting my reality though. I figured kids would just fit into our life....Hmmm little did I know how wrong I was.
My husband was significantly more grounded than me though and one business trip where I had missed calling him one evening, he called me to task. I had been out with a work group in Chicago. We went to a blues club, we all got very drunk, partied with a bunch of strangers who were more than interested in me and my female colleague. Thankfully the male colleagues that were with us had the presence of mind to ensure we got out of there safely, albeit we were all drunk and driving to boot. I got to my hotel, passed out and forgot to call my husband. I did not call him until the next day at the airport and he was more than livid. Livid I had not called and when I told him about the situation he said...we will talk when I get home.
That talk on a Saturday morning I will never forget. Our marriage could have ended but instead we decided we needed a change. A change from the lifestyle we were living, a change to bring us back to reality. We decided that the "yuppy" house was not for us, we were drowning in debt, neither of us liked the plasticity of suburban life. It was so manufactured and so artificial. I also was not pregnant yet after a good year and a half of trying. Was our lifestyle contributing to that? Was it karma or hand of God, saying....nope you are too self involved to have kids? So an about shift lifestyle change. Sold the yuppy house and bought a cute little house in the woods further away from the city. Ah....so perfect, quiet, relaxed no annoying suburban neighbours and so private. We immersed ourselves in the place, put in a garden, did some landscaping, bought a little tractor, and settled in to a rural lifestyle much more in keeping with who we both really were and who we were brought up. It was like Aha!! So refreshing. Oh yes and lots of unprotected sex, all over the house.
So why not pregnant? Seemed odd. Yes at times I had some bleeding and bad periods but I chalked that up to other things. It seemed though after almost 3 years time to start investigating that. So off for investigations. First step...SPERM test...hubby not impressed......
Sunday, 3 November 2019
Thursday, 24 October 2019
Pondering How in the hell did I get here?
I am a 58 year old married Mom of 2 adopted boys. They are now 27 and 25. They were placed with us when they were 3 and 18 months through an adoption process with the CAS ( Children's Aid Society). They were basically given up by their birth Mom who was very young. They went into foster care when my oldest was 2 and the youngest about 8 months. Her sister was the one that called Social services and after an investigation the boys were taken into care. We don't have the entire story but she would routinely lock the door to her apartment, leave them alone and go out. She actually did this just a few days after our youngest was born. I can't imagine this. No diapers, no food, not to mention the danger of this. So you rather get the picture. The word that comes to mind is " horrendous". She finally "agreed" to surrender them due to the fact she was not showing up for supervised visits with foster family and really had no plan of care. Up to that point they had been in foster care for about a year. She would have been about 18 at that time. The legal paperworks states " abandonment". A label today that I truly believe has had a big impact on both of my sons. Even though my youngest in particular would have no real awareness of this, in his heart I think he feels abandoned and has attachment issues to this day.
This is a story that begins in in the mid 90's. We were a hopeful childless couple looking to expand our family. The story of how we got to the adoption is a story in itselfbut suffice to say, we went through the process. The end of that process had 2 beautiful boys placed with us in the summer of 1995. They were 3 and 18 months at the time. They has been in foster care for a year after being abandoned by their birth mother. We had all the hopes and dreams of the world for them and us. They were young and we totally felt that a loving nurturing home would erase the rather rough start to life. We had such optimism and so much love. How wrong we were.
My youngest son is now a meth addict. He was a little newborn baby left alone in an apartment with his 2 year old brother. He is now 26. He has used a myriad of other things over the years starting with pot at about 13 or 14. I am never totally sure as his addict brain is liar but I do know alcohol, cocaine, NDMA and meth for sure. He prefers uppers to downers. Meth these days is his drug of choice. He admits that to me. He smokes it but also injects it. He has been hospitalized in the past couple of years for overdosing, cellulitis, blood poisoning, stomach ulcers and kidney stones. Not to mention some teeth issues, a common side effect meth. He currently is either homeless or couch surfing after serving yet more time for assault. His incarceration journey reads like an episode of Jerry Springer. Most of the jail time is based on violent offences, not the drugs. Much of this violence is to women, including sexual assault. Women that are mothers of his children. He has had at least 4 children with 4 different women, 3 of those women he has assaulted. 2 of them had him charged. These are just the women I know about. One young women was hospitalized after a drug infused assault. He choked her. That is a story in itself that I will leave for another post. It is very sad and surreal at times. He has been in and out of jail for the past few years for a variety of reasons. He says he is bisexual and I know he has also prostituted himself to feed his drug habit, so not sure if being bisexual is a reality or in his mind a necessity to survive. I personally don't care about his sexual orientation. What I do care about is his lifestyle. To say this all breaks my heart is an understatement. My heart is broken. I am broken. I am currently in contact with him, and kind of know where he is. That is not always the case though and at times I don't know if he is alive or dead. Living with that has been extremely difficult. It is like you are living with the boogie man under the bed.
My oldest son ( he is 27) is in a slightly better position. He does have housing after a year and a half of bouncing around, couch surfing and living in precarious places. His girlfriend left him about a year and a half ago and took his then 2 1/2 year old son with her. He was growing pot in their apartment, dealing that and other drugs. He has never been able to hold down a "real" job for more than 6 months. Also been kicked out of housing and previous girlfriend also kicked him out. Probably due to his excessive pot use, although I suspect there may be other drugs but addicts lie. She got tired of that lifestyle, people coming and going and not to mention having all of this happen with a toddler in full view. He was always very defensive of this saying that pot is a herb, and it will be legal...yada, yada, yada. When she left he was very angry and threatened her which then in turn he got charged with. This involved a restraining order ( peace bond) which in turn limited access to his son as she refused to let him see him in his current housing situation. He did get some access to him through supervised play dates at a place run by social services but these stopped as sometimes he would not show up. A repeat of what his birth mom did to him? Is this imbedded in his DNA or is it just the drug use that causes him to "forget". Who knows. Fast forward to today, he has no access, says he is going to get a lawyer but does nothing. The only light here from me the grandmother is I have access to my grandson. He is a pure joy. He makes the broken me happy and grateful.
I am really not sure how we got here. What happened? What did we do wrong? Did we over indulge them? Did genetics play a factor? Was it very early childhood trauma? A combination of all of that above? As parents adopting 2 boys 23 years ago I would have expected they would be settled in their lives, they would be working with partners and maybe grandchildren. I envisioned an extended family, with holiday celebrations, birthday celebrations, sleep overs etc....A real relationship with my kids. Today I dread the phone ringing with the " No Caller ID", that 95% of the time the police. I hold my breath as the anxiety reaches zenith levels waiting for what they are going to say. I am actually relieved when they say, just to inform you Kid 2 is in Jail. Jail relieves me as at least I know he is safe. Always in the back of my mind "sorry to inform Ma'am you but your son is dead" I live with this fear every single day. As awful as it may sound at least with death there is an end and a grieving process. There is no place to put the grief I have now.
This is a story that begins in in the mid 90's. We were a hopeful childless couple looking to expand our family. The story of how we got to the adoption is a story in itselfbut suffice to say, we went through the process. The end of that process had 2 beautiful boys placed with us in the summer of 1995. They were 3 and 18 months at the time. They has been in foster care for a year after being abandoned by their birth mother. We had all the hopes and dreams of the world for them and us. They were young and we totally felt that a loving nurturing home would erase the rather rough start to life. We had such optimism and so much love. How wrong we were.
My youngest son is now a meth addict. He was a little newborn baby left alone in an apartment with his 2 year old brother. He is now 26. He has used a myriad of other things over the years starting with pot at about 13 or 14. I am never totally sure as his addict brain is liar but I do know alcohol, cocaine, NDMA and meth for sure. He prefers uppers to downers. Meth these days is his drug of choice. He admits that to me. He smokes it but also injects it. He has been hospitalized in the past couple of years for overdosing, cellulitis, blood poisoning, stomach ulcers and kidney stones. Not to mention some teeth issues, a common side effect meth. He currently is either homeless or couch surfing after serving yet more time for assault. His incarceration journey reads like an episode of Jerry Springer. Most of the jail time is based on violent offences, not the drugs. Much of this violence is to women, including sexual assault. Women that are mothers of his children. He has had at least 4 children with 4 different women, 3 of those women he has assaulted. 2 of them had him charged. These are just the women I know about. One young women was hospitalized after a drug infused assault. He choked her. That is a story in itself that I will leave for another post. It is very sad and surreal at times. He has been in and out of jail for the past few years for a variety of reasons. He says he is bisexual and I know he has also prostituted himself to feed his drug habit, so not sure if being bisexual is a reality or in his mind a necessity to survive. I personally don't care about his sexual orientation. What I do care about is his lifestyle. To say this all breaks my heart is an understatement. My heart is broken. I am broken. I am currently in contact with him, and kind of know where he is. That is not always the case though and at times I don't know if he is alive or dead. Living with that has been extremely difficult. It is like you are living with the boogie man under the bed.
My oldest son ( he is 27) is in a slightly better position. He does have housing after a year and a half of bouncing around, couch surfing and living in precarious places. His girlfriend left him about a year and a half ago and took his then 2 1/2 year old son with her. He was growing pot in their apartment, dealing that and other drugs. He has never been able to hold down a "real" job for more than 6 months. Also been kicked out of housing and previous girlfriend also kicked him out. Probably due to his excessive pot use, although I suspect there may be other drugs but addicts lie. She got tired of that lifestyle, people coming and going and not to mention having all of this happen with a toddler in full view. He was always very defensive of this saying that pot is a herb, and it will be legal...yada, yada, yada. When she left he was very angry and threatened her which then in turn he got charged with. This involved a restraining order ( peace bond) which in turn limited access to his son as she refused to let him see him in his current housing situation. He did get some access to him through supervised play dates at a place run by social services but these stopped as sometimes he would not show up. A repeat of what his birth mom did to him? Is this imbedded in his DNA or is it just the drug use that causes him to "forget". Who knows. Fast forward to today, he has no access, says he is going to get a lawyer but does nothing. The only light here from me the grandmother is I have access to my grandson. He is a pure joy. He makes the broken me happy and grateful.
I am really not sure how we got here. What happened? What did we do wrong? Did we over indulge them? Did genetics play a factor? Was it very early childhood trauma? A combination of all of that above? As parents adopting 2 boys 23 years ago I would have expected they would be settled in their lives, they would be working with partners and maybe grandchildren. I envisioned an extended family, with holiday celebrations, birthday celebrations, sleep overs etc....A real relationship with my kids. Today I dread the phone ringing with the " No Caller ID", that 95% of the time the police. I hold my breath as the anxiety reaches zenith levels waiting for what they are going to say. I am actually relieved when they say, just to inform you Kid 2 is in Jail. Jail relieves me as at least I know he is safe. Always in the back of my mind "sorry to inform Ma'am you but your son is dead" I live with this fear every single day. As awful as it may sound at least with death there is an end and a grieving process. There is no place to put the grief I have now.
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