It is November of 2015. I had lost my big corporate job in March and I was working on contract back to the same employer. Rather a sweet deal if you ask me. Got a big pay out, had a couple months off and then a nice contract. Had a fabulous trip to New Orleans to attend a conference in our industry. Had a fabulous time! My drinking I must admit was excessive, but hey when in New Orleans... In hindsight the drinking was not just social, but then I was in denial
Things professionally and financially were looking good. My marriage was in a good place. My oldest son was living with his girlfriend and they had just had a baby together in September. Finally a grandchild I could have a relationship with.
I had, had no contact with my youngest son for several months, not totally sure where he was. We were estranged after some exchanges where I simply would not come rescue him, bring him money, or enable him. When you stopped "doing"for him, the hydra would come out usually in abusive texts and sometimes voice messages. I had, had enough of that...and he was like, fuck you. You aren't my "real mother" ( one of his favourite lines....) and then disappeared.
I was anxious about that but the funny thing is sometimes no news is good news. At that time the violence and vitriol has been gone awhile so I was less anxious. Not a state of bliss but not a state of crisis. I was rather living in a nice little bubble I think.
Then in mid November the phone rang........
It was a lawyer from Ottawa telling me my son was in jail and that he wanted contact with me.
It was like a huge whoosh came over me and I sunk into myself and the memory of our last exchanges. I felt sick and wanted to hang up, but I couldn't. She said the charges were serious, sexual assault, forcible confinement, assault, uttering death threats. All that I heard was " sexual assault" I was like OMG!! My mind raced with the possibilities for this without know the "story". The lawyer was so sweet on the phone and made me feel like this can all be dealt with, and I would be an awful person if I said no. It was subtle, but it was there. I started to reel and think. Part of me was like hell no! I don't want a part in any of this. What in the hell did he do and to whom? What kind of monster is he? Good Grief! After a minor melt down I settled my brain and started to think pragmatically and then " Mom Gene" came out. He needs someone, he is all alone, what can it hurt to support him not condone what he has done if he was guilty but be loving and forgiving. That is why Mom's are supposed to do right. Pick them up, love unconditionally and forgive their foibles. Although I am not overly religious I believe in the teachings and kept thinking, " What would Jesus do?" Love and forgive. So after mental machinations I agreed to the contact. He was at a correctional facility in another community to opted for taking his phone calls and writing to him as visiting was tricky.
Letters started to arrive. They were filled with jail life and a lot about how he was not guilty. I must admit, I was thinking there of course are 2 sides to every story. Many of these young women he tends to gravitate to have low self esteem, bring drama etc....maybe it was an exaggeration. I felt he was probably guilty of some things but not the more horrendous things. So after some conversations with his lawyer and a couple in person visits at the local jail he was transferred to, I agree to go to the trial. It was scheduled for March and would probably be a week. Why I week, I was not sure...I was about to find out.
Tuesday, 3 March 2020
Wednesday, 1 January 2020
Decade from hell
It is New Years Day 2020. As I write this I am pondering the last decade. It just occurred to me that we have rolled into a new decade, not just a New Year. I am not sure why that did not occur to me until just now, but it did. To be honest the worst 10 years of my life. Not that it was all bad, no it was not. I tend to be a positive glass is half full person, so there were many wonderful things. However when it came to my 2 boys, it was a decade from hell with them. It was a decade of sadness, grief, worry, embarrassment, fear and over the top anxiety. They started to go off the rails around 2009 and then it was like a train wreck moving through the decade. It started with normal teenage stuff. Sneaking out of the house after dark, skipping classes and pot. With my youngest it escalated to disappearing for days at times ending up with precarious people. It moved to getting suspended from school, get arrested for drugs, stealing from us, getting kicked out of school, the police at the door, verbal abuse, threats, and violence. There was a lot of involvement with girls as well, girls with low self esteem 4 of which I know he impregnated and some he abused. That is just he youngest. The oldest as well got kicked out, started the disappearing act, stole money from friends and us, police involvement and also ended up with precarious people, got beat up, broke into cars, sold his precious guitar for drugs (sigh) ...I could go on and on. There were endless counselling sessions, psychiatric evaluations, drug counselling to no avail. I will need separate blog posts to describe many of these events as thinking back it was fucking unbelievable. We kicked them both out on different occasions and oh yes brought them back to clean them up only to repeat the cycle. It became like a bad movie that was on repeat with the same ending, usually a dark cloud of angry dust at the end. How I wish I could change the ending. I felt trapped and could not get off this roller coaster. I kept trying to save them, it was not working.
The strain on my marriage was immense. It is amazing we are still together.
I think the reason this has come rushing to me as my youngest contacted me yesterday, wanting help again. He got kicked out of his housing apparently for have sexually explicit video chats and then there was all the "history" and the computer. His female room mate was concerned he might be a pedophile and kicked him out...That is the story. You never know with him. He is a master at manipulation, exaggeration and fantasy. That being said...what to do? He said he is lost, but then further down in the message he said he really, really needs a phone. He needs employers to be able to get ahold of him....Hmmm....Is he lost or does he need money. All of this was done with an audio clip which of course means I can hear his voice. I am sure he knows this has a bigger impact than just text. This sent me partly in a tailspin. Should I bring him home and clean him up? I hesitate due to the past history of this that has typically ended in a vitriol of verbal abuse and sometimes violence. Should I just meet up with him? Eyes on him helps. I can tell is he is high and read into the conversation. Do I get him the damn phone, just to make it go away? Is that a cop out? Done that before, they usually end up pawned for money for drugs or lost.
So As I think of this the past 10 years of this comes racing in. I can not go back to enabling, it will kill me and ruin my marriage. I am in a better place though today than I was during that time. That took some self awareness, counselling and 8 months ago quitting drinking. I used to be a moderate drinker but the last 10 years my consumption escalated and I was drowning my pain in alcohol. Stopping that has given me better clarity, focus, and the anxiety is at bay. I can deal with things with a clear head. I know mental health is fragile, you have to keep working on it, and I could easily fall into the trap. I am determined not to get trapped. So as I ring in a New Year the question is, how much to do...or do nothing. So today I will put that on the shelf. My lovely dogs are out running around in the snow chasing squirrels. That makes me smile from ear to ear. The coffee is good, I am going to visit my Dad at his annal New Years Day Open House, and I am grateful for my life. xo
The strain on my marriage was immense. It is amazing we are still together.
I think the reason this has come rushing to me as my youngest contacted me yesterday, wanting help again. He got kicked out of his housing apparently for have sexually explicit video chats and then there was all the "history" and the computer. His female room mate was concerned he might be a pedophile and kicked him out...That is the story. You never know with him. He is a master at manipulation, exaggeration and fantasy. That being said...what to do? He said he is lost, but then further down in the message he said he really, really needs a phone. He needs employers to be able to get ahold of him....Hmmm....Is he lost or does he need money. All of this was done with an audio clip which of course means I can hear his voice. I am sure he knows this has a bigger impact than just text. This sent me partly in a tailspin. Should I bring him home and clean him up? I hesitate due to the past history of this that has typically ended in a vitriol of verbal abuse and sometimes violence. Should I just meet up with him? Eyes on him helps. I can tell is he is high and read into the conversation. Do I get him the damn phone, just to make it go away? Is that a cop out? Done that before, they usually end up pawned for money for drugs or lost.
So As I think of this the past 10 years of this comes racing in. I can not go back to enabling, it will kill me and ruin my marriage. I am in a better place though today than I was during that time. That took some self awareness, counselling and 8 months ago quitting drinking. I used to be a moderate drinker but the last 10 years my consumption escalated and I was drowning my pain in alcohol. Stopping that has given me better clarity, focus, and the anxiety is at bay. I can deal with things with a clear head. I know mental health is fragile, you have to keep working on it, and I could easily fall into the trap. I am determined not to get trapped. So as I ring in a New Year the question is, how much to do...or do nothing. So today I will put that on the shelf. My lovely dogs are out running around in the snow chasing squirrels. That makes me smile from ear to ear. The coffee is good, I am going to visit my Dad at his annal New Years Day Open House, and I am grateful for my life. xo
Sunday, 3 November 2019
Time to dump birth control and start a family!
It was around 1990, I was in my late 20's and felt it was time for us to start a family. This to me was the natural progression after being happily married for 5 years. Is this not what we are all supposed to do? Get married, get career established and have kids. I think society expects this and I of course being the Type A, driven person figured this was next on our "list". We at this point were in house # 2 a really modern, what my Dad and family called "yuppy" house, in a suburban type neighbourhood south of Ottawa. Lots of black and white, lots of leather, expensive furniture bought at trendy furniture stores. We were rather living the dream. I had a great career as did my husband, we were making ( and spending) alot of money. Next step kids....of course!!
I had had an IUD and had that removed and we proceeded to have a normal sex life with no birth control. I figured just let it happen even though we rather liked the double income no kids life to a point. I can say even though I wanted kids, I was personally very caught up in a career that had my travelling, lots of company events, lots of socializing and making more money than many of my peers. I had the designer wardrobe, the expensive gym membership, active social lie, the nice car. It was distorting my reality though. I figured kids would just fit into our life....Hmmm little did I know how wrong I was.
My husband was significantly more grounded than me though and one business trip where I had missed calling him one evening, he called me to task. I had been out with a work group in Chicago. We went to a blues club, we all got very drunk, partied with a bunch of strangers who were more than interested in me and my female colleague. Thankfully the male colleagues that were with us had the presence of mind to ensure we got out of there safely, albeit we were all drunk and driving to boot. I got to my hotel, passed out and forgot to call my husband. I did not call him until the next day at the airport and he was more than livid. Livid I had not called and when I told him about the situation he said...we will talk when I get home.
That talk on a Saturday morning I will never forget. Our marriage could have ended but instead we decided we needed a change. A change from the lifestyle we were living, a change to bring us back to reality. We decided that the "yuppy" house was not for us, we were drowning in debt, neither of us liked the plasticity of suburban life. It was so manufactured and so artificial. I also was not pregnant yet after a good year and a half of trying. Was our lifestyle contributing to that? Was it karma or hand of God, saying....nope you are too self involved to have kids? So an about shift lifestyle change. Sold the yuppy house and bought a cute little house in the woods further away from the city. Ah....so perfect, quiet, relaxed no annoying suburban neighbours and so private. We immersed ourselves in the place, put in a garden, did some landscaping, bought a little tractor, and settled in to a rural lifestyle much more in keeping with who we both really were and who we were brought up. It was like Aha!! So refreshing. Oh yes and lots of unprotected sex, all over the house.
So why not pregnant? Seemed odd. Yes at times I had some bleeding and bad periods but I chalked that up to other things. It seemed though after almost 3 years time to start investigating that. So off for investigations. First step...SPERM test...hubby not impressed......
I had had an IUD and had that removed and we proceeded to have a normal sex life with no birth control. I figured just let it happen even though we rather liked the double income no kids life to a point. I can say even though I wanted kids, I was personally very caught up in a career that had my travelling, lots of company events, lots of socializing and making more money than many of my peers. I had the designer wardrobe, the expensive gym membership, active social lie, the nice car. It was distorting my reality though. I figured kids would just fit into our life....Hmmm little did I know how wrong I was.
My husband was significantly more grounded than me though and one business trip where I had missed calling him one evening, he called me to task. I had been out with a work group in Chicago. We went to a blues club, we all got very drunk, partied with a bunch of strangers who were more than interested in me and my female colleague. Thankfully the male colleagues that were with us had the presence of mind to ensure we got out of there safely, albeit we were all drunk and driving to boot. I got to my hotel, passed out and forgot to call my husband. I did not call him until the next day at the airport and he was more than livid. Livid I had not called and when I told him about the situation he said...we will talk when I get home.
That talk on a Saturday morning I will never forget. Our marriage could have ended but instead we decided we needed a change. A change from the lifestyle we were living, a change to bring us back to reality. We decided that the "yuppy" house was not for us, we were drowning in debt, neither of us liked the plasticity of suburban life. It was so manufactured and so artificial. I also was not pregnant yet after a good year and a half of trying. Was our lifestyle contributing to that? Was it karma or hand of God, saying....nope you are too self involved to have kids? So an about shift lifestyle change. Sold the yuppy house and bought a cute little house in the woods further away from the city. Ah....so perfect, quiet, relaxed no annoying suburban neighbours and so private. We immersed ourselves in the place, put in a garden, did some landscaping, bought a little tractor, and settled in to a rural lifestyle much more in keeping with who we both really were and who we were brought up. It was like Aha!! So refreshing. Oh yes and lots of unprotected sex, all over the house.
So why not pregnant? Seemed odd. Yes at times I had some bleeding and bad periods but I chalked that up to other things. It seemed though after almost 3 years time to start investigating that. So off for investigations. First step...SPERM test...hubby not impressed......
Thursday, 24 October 2019
Pondering How in the hell did I get here?
I am a 58 year old married Mom of 2 adopted boys. They are now 27 and 25. They were placed with us when they were 3 and 18 months through an adoption process with the CAS ( Children's Aid Society). They were basically given up by their birth Mom who was very young. They went into foster care when my oldest was 2 and the youngest about 8 months. Her sister was the one that called Social services and after an investigation the boys were taken into care. We don't have the entire story but she would routinely lock the door to her apartment, leave them alone and go out. She actually did this just a few days after our youngest was born. I can't imagine this. No diapers, no food, not to mention the danger of this. So you rather get the picture. The word that comes to mind is " horrendous". She finally "agreed" to surrender them due to the fact she was not showing up for supervised visits with foster family and really had no plan of care. Up to that point they had been in foster care for about a year. She would have been about 18 at that time. The legal paperworks states " abandonment". A label today that I truly believe has had a big impact on both of my sons. Even though my youngest in particular would have no real awareness of this, in his heart I think he feels abandoned and has attachment issues to this day.
This is a story that begins in in the mid 90's. We were a hopeful childless couple looking to expand our family. The story of how we got to the adoption is a story in itselfbut suffice to say, we went through the process. The end of that process had 2 beautiful boys placed with us in the summer of 1995. They were 3 and 18 months at the time. They has been in foster care for a year after being abandoned by their birth mother. We had all the hopes and dreams of the world for them and us. They were young and we totally felt that a loving nurturing home would erase the rather rough start to life. We had such optimism and so much love. How wrong we were.
My youngest son is now a meth addict. He was a little newborn baby left alone in an apartment with his 2 year old brother. He is now 26. He has used a myriad of other things over the years starting with pot at about 13 or 14. I am never totally sure as his addict brain is liar but I do know alcohol, cocaine, NDMA and meth for sure. He prefers uppers to downers. Meth these days is his drug of choice. He admits that to me. He smokes it but also injects it. He has been hospitalized in the past couple of years for overdosing, cellulitis, blood poisoning, stomach ulcers and kidney stones. Not to mention some teeth issues, a common side effect meth. He currently is either homeless or couch surfing after serving yet more time for assault. His incarceration journey reads like an episode of Jerry Springer. Most of the jail time is based on violent offences, not the drugs. Much of this violence is to women, including sexual assault. Women that are mothers of his children. He has had at least 4 children with 4 different women, 3 of those women he has assaulted. 2 of them had him charged. These are just the women I know about. One young women was hospitalized after a drug infused assault. He choked her. That is a story in itself that I will leave for another post. It is very sad and surreal at times. He has been in and out of jail for the past few years for a variety of reasons. He says he is bisexual and I know he has also prostituted himself to feed his drug habit, so not sure if being bisexual is a reality or in his mind a necessity to survive. I personally don't care about his sexual orientation. What I do care about is his lifestyle. To say this all breaks my heart is an understatement. My heart is broken. I am broken. I am currently in contact with him, and kind of know where he is. That is not always the case though and at times I don't know if he is alive or dead. Living with that has been extremely difficult. It is like you are living with the boogie man under the bed.
My oldest son ( he is 27) is in a slightly better position. He does have housing after a year and a half of bouncing around, couch surfing and living in precarious places. His girlfriend left him about a year and a half ago and took his then 2 1/2 year old son with her. He was growing pot in their apartment, dealing that and other drugs. He has never been able to hold down a "real" job for more than 6 months. Also been kicked out of housing and previous girlfriend also kicked him out. Probably due to his excessive pot use, although I suspect there may be other drugs but addicts lie. She got tired of that lifestyle, people coming and going and not to mention having all of this happen with a toddler in full view. He was always very defensive of this saying that pot is a herb, and it will be legal...yada, yada, yada. When she left he was very angry and threatened her which then in turn he got charged with. This involved a restraining order ( peace bond) which in turn limited access to his son as she refused to let him see him in his current housing situation. He did get some access to him through supervised play dates at a place run by social services but these stopped as sometimes he would not show up. A repeat of what his birth mom did to him? Is this imbedded in his DNA or is it just the drug use that causes him to "forget". Who knows. Fast forward to today, he has no access, says he is going to get a lawyer but does nothing. The only light here from me the grandmother is I have access to my grandson. He is a pure joy. He makes the broken me happy and grateful.
I am really not sure how we got here. What happened? What did we do wrong? Did we over indulge them? Did genetics play a factor? Was it very early childhood trauma? A combination of all of that above? As parents adopting 2 boys 23 years ago I would have expected they would be settled in their lives, they would be working with partners and maybe grandchildren. I envisioned an extended family, with holiday celebrations, birthday celebrations, sleep overs etc....A real relationship with my kids. Today I dread the phone ringing with the " No Caller ID", that 95% of the time the police. I hold my breath as the anxiety reaches zenith levels waiting for what they are going to say. I am actually relieved when they say, just to inform you Kid 2 is in Jail. Jail relieves me as at least I know he is safe. Always in the back of my mind "sorry to inform Ma'am you but your son is dead" I live with this fear every single day. As awful as it may sound at least with death there is an end and a grieving process. There is no place to put the grief I have now.
This is a story that begins in in the mid 90's. We were a hopeful childless couple looking to expand our family. The story of how we got to the adoption is a story in itselfbut suffice to say, we went through the process. The end of that process had 2 beautiful boys placed with us in the summer of 1995. They were 3 and 18 months at the time. They has been in foster care for a year after being abandoned by their birth mother. We had all the hopes and dreams of the world for them and us. They were young and we totally felt that a loving nurturing home would erase the rather rough start to life. We had such optimism and so much love. How wrong we were.
My youngest son is now a meth addict. He was a little newborn baby left alone in an apartment with his 2 year old brother. He is now 26. He has used a myriad of other things over the years starting with pot at about 13 or 14. I am never totally sure as his addict brain is liar but I do know alcohol, cocaine, NDMA and meth for sure. He prefers uppers to downers. Meth these days is his drug of choice. He admits that to me. He smokes it but also injects it. He has been hospitalized in the past couple of years for overdosing, cellulitis, blood poisoning, stomach ulcers and kidney stones. Not to mention some teeth issues, a common side effect meth. He currently is either homeless or couch surfing after serving yet more time for assault. His incarceration journey reads like an episode of Jerry Springer. Most of the jail time is based on violent offences, not the drugs. Much of this violence is to women, including sexual assault. Women that are mothers of his children. He has had at least 4 children with 4 different women, 3 of those women he has assaulted. 2 of them had him charged. These are just the women I know about. One young women was hospitalized after a drug infused assault. He choked her. That is a story in itself that I will leave for another post. It is very sad and surreal at times. He has been in and out of jail for the past few years for a variety of reasons. He says he is bisexual and I know he has also prostituted himself to feed his drug habit, so not sure if being bisexual is a reality or in his mind a necessity to survive. I personally don't care about his sexual orientation. What I do care about is his lifestyle. To say this all breaks my heart is an understatement. My heart is broken. I am broken. I am currently in contact with him, and kind of know where he is. That is not always the case though and at times I don't know if he is alive or dead. Living with that has been extremely difficult. It is like you are living with the boogie man under the bed.
My oldest son ( he is 27) is in a slightly better position. He does have housing after a year and a half of bouncing around, couch surfing and living in precarious places. His girlfriend left him about a year and a half ago and took his then 2 1/2 year old son with her. He was growing pot in their apartment, dealing that and other drugs. He has never been able to hold down a "real" job for more than 6 months. Also been kicked out of housing and previous girlfriend also kicked him out. Probably due to his excessive pot use, although I suspect there may be other drugs but addicts lie. She got tired of that lifestyle, people coming and going and not to mention having all of this happen with a toddler in full view. He was always very defensive of this saying that pot is a herb, and it will be legal...yada, yada, yada. When she left he was very angry and threatened her which then in turn he got charged with. This involved a restraining order ( peace bond) which in turn limited access to his son as she refused to let him see him in his current housing situation. He did get some access to him through supervised play dates at a place run by social services but these stopped as sometimes he would not show up. A repeat of what his birth mom did to him? Is this imbedded in his DNA or is it just the drug use that causes him to "forget". Who knows. Fast forward to today, he has no access, says he is going to get a lawyer but does nothing. The only light here from me the grandmother is I have access to my grandson. He is a pure joy. He makes the broken me happy and grateful.
I am really not sure how we got here. What happened? What did we do wrong? Did we over indulge them? Did genetics play a factor? Was it very early childhood trauma? A combination of all of that above? As parents adopting 2 boys 23 years ago I would have expected they would be settled in their lives, they would be working with partners and maybe grandchildren. I envisioned an extended family, with holiday celebrations, birthday celebrations, sleep overs etc....A real relationship with my kids. Today I dread the phone ringing with the " No Caller ID", that 95% of the time the police. I hold my breath as the anxiety reaches zenith levels waiting for what they are going to say. I am actually relieved when they say, just to inform you Kid 2 is in Jail. Jail relieves me as at least I know he is safe. Always in the back of my mind "sorry to inform Ma'am you but your son is dead" I live with this fear every single day. As awful as it may sound at least with death there is an end and a grieving process. There is no place to put the grief I have now.
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