Do you sit through your son's Trial when you know he is guilty

It is November of 2015. I had lost my big corporate job in March and I was working on contract back to the same employer. Rather a sweet deal if you ask me. Got a big pay out, had a couple months off  and then a nice contract.  Had a fabulous trip to New Orleans to attend a conference in our industry. Had a fabulous time! My  drinking I must admit was excessive, but hey when in New Orleans... In hindsight the drinking was not just social, but then I was in denial
Things professionally and financially were looking good. My marriage was in a good place. My oldest son was living with his girlfriend and they had just had a baby together in September. Finally a grandchild I could have a relationship with.
I had, had no contact with my youngest son for several months, not totally sure where he was. We were estranged after some exchanges where I simply would not come rescue him, bring him money, or enable him.  When you stopped "doing"for him, the hydra would come out usually in abusive texts and sometimes voice messages.  I had, had enough of that...and he was like, fuck you. You aren't my "real mother" ( one of his favourite lines....) and then disappeared.
 I was anxious about that but the funny thing is sometimes no news is good news.  At that time the violence and vitriol has been gone awhile so I was less anxious. Not a state of bliss but not a state of crisis. I was rather living in a nice little bubble I think.

Then in mid November the phone rang........
It was a lawyer from Ottawa telling me my son was in jail and that he wanted contact with me.
It was like a huge whoosh came over me and I sunk into myself and the memory of our last exchanges. I felt sick and wanted to hang up, but I couldn't.  She said the charges were serious, sexual assault, forcible confinement, assault, uttering death threats.  All that I heard was " sexual assault" I was like OMG!!  My mind raced with the possibilities for this without know the "story". The lawyer was so sweet on the phone and made me feel like this can all be dealt with, and  I would be an awful person if I said no.  It was subtle, but it was there. I started to reel and think. Part of me was like hell no!  I don't want a part in any of this.  What in the hell did he do and to whom?  What kind of monster is he?  Good Grief!  After a minor melt down I settled my brain and started to think pragmatically and then  " Mom Gene" came out. He needs someone,  he is all alone, what can it hurt to support him not condone what he has done if he was guilty but be loving and forgiving. That is why Mom's are supposed to do right. Pick them up, love unconditionally and forgive their foibles. Although I am not overly religious I believe in the teachings and kept thinking, " What would Jesus do?" Love and forgive.   So after mental machinations I agreed to the contact.  He was at a correctional facility in another community to opted for taking his phone calls and writing to him as visiting was tricky.

Letters started to arrive. They were filled with jail life and a lot about how he was not guilty. I must admit, I was thinking there of course are 2 sides to every story. Many of these young women he tends to gravitate to have low self esteem, bring drama etc....maybe it was an exaggeration. I felt he was probably guilty of some things but not the more horrendous things. So after some conversations with his lawyer and a couple in person visits at the local jail he was transferred to, I agree to go to the trial.  It was scheduled for March and would probably be a week. Why I week, I was not sure...I was about to find out.

Decade from hell

It is New Years Day 2020. As I write this I am pondering the last decade. It just occurred to me that we have rolled into a new decade,  not just a New Year.   I am not sure why that did not occur to me until just now, but it did.   To be honest the worst 10 years of my life. Not that it was all bad, no it was not. I tend to be a positive glass is half full person, so there were many wonderful things. However when it came to my 2 boys, it was a decade from hell with them. It was a  decade of sadness, grief, worry, embarrassment, fear and over the top anxiety.  They started to go off the rails around 2009 and then it was like a train wreck moving through the decade. It started with normal teenage stuff. Sneaking out of the house after dark, skipping classes and pot. With my youngest it escalated to disappearing for days at times ending up with precarious people.  It moved to getting suspended from school, get arrested for drugs, stealing from us,  getting kicked out of school, the police at the door, verbal abuse, threats, and violence.  There was a lot of involvement with girls as well, girls with low self esteem 4 of which I know he impregnated and some he abused. That is just he youngest. The oldest as well got kicked out, started the disappearing act, stole money from friends and us, police involvement and also ended up with precarious people, got beat up, broke into cars, sold his precious guitar for drugs (sigh) ...I could go on and on.  There were endless counselling sessions, psychiatric evaluations, drug counselling to no avail. I will need separate blog posts to describe many of these events as thinking back it was fucking unbelievable. We kicked them both out on different occasions and oh yes brought them back to clean them up only to repeat the cycle. It became like a bad movie that was on repeat with the same ending, usually a dark cloud of angry dust at the end. How I wish I could change the ending.  I felt trapped and could not get off this roller coaster. I kept trying to save them, it was not working.

The strain on my marriage was immense. It is amazing we are still together.
 I think the reason this has come rushing to me as my youngest contacted me yesterday, wanting help again. He got kicked out of his housing apparently for have sexually explicit video chats and then there was all the "history" and the computer. His female room mate was concerned he might be a pedophile and kicked him out...That is the story. You never know with him.  He is a master at manipulation, exaggeration and fantasy.  That being said...what to do? He said he is lost, but then further down in the message he said he really, really needs a phone. He needs employers to be able to get ahold of him....Hmmm....Is he lost or does he need money. All of this was done with an audio clip which of course means I can hear his voice. I am sure he knows this has a bigger impact than just text.  This sent me partly in a tailspin. Should I bring him home and clean him up? I hesitate due to the past history of this that has typically ended in a vitriol of verbal abuse and sometimes violence. Should I just meet up with him? Eyes on him helps. I can tell is he is high and read into the conversation. Do I get him the damn phone, just to make it go away? Is that a cop out?  Done that before, they usually end up pawned for money for drugs or lost.

So As I think of this the past 10 years of this comes racing in. I can not go back to enabling, it will kill me and ruin my marriage.  I am in a better place though today than I was during that time. That took some self awareness, counselling and 8 months ago quitting drinking. I used to be a moderate drinker but the last 10 years my consumption escalated and I was drowning my pain in alcohol. Stopping that has given me better clarity, focus, and the anxiety is at bay. I can deal with things with a clear head. I know mental health is fragile, you have to keep working on it,  and I could easily fall into the trap. I am determined not to get trapped.  So as I ring in a New Year the question is, how much to do...or do nothing.  So today I will put that on the shelf. My lovely dogs are out running around in the snow chasing squirrels. That makes me smile from ear to ear.  The coffee is good, I am going to visit my Dad at his annal New Years Day Open House, and I am grateful for my life. xo